How do I hug this monster?

I have been distracting myself for the last month or two, so this is my first Sunday at home, doing nothing – and it hit so hard. I’ve been having difficult days. I’ve been feeling down, I think from living a bit more chaotically the last weeks. In a way, it shows I am in a different part of my healing journey, but it also shows that I still have a long way to go. Suddenly without distractions, I started having an anxiety attack. My arms, my hands feel weird, in a bit of pain and weak all of a sudden.

I’ve been having more intrusive thoughts these past two days than in the previous weeks. I must be under some stress I am unaware of…what is this trying to tell me? I guess I am still in survival mode, after more than a year. I don’t really know how to get back to living. It is quite important, though, to have these moments; these challenging moments. To go through them, to hold myself through them, to keep learning I am safe with myself. I am safe with myself, but I don’t fully believe it. I have been escaping from something. Today, I can’t escape it. It is there; this shadow; this pain or anger – I feel it. I want to run away from it, but today I know I can’t. How do I face it? How do I hug this monster? How do I face this feeling? This desperation inside – and what is it? It is this fear – but fear of what? Why does it not reveal to myself? What is it that I am not ready to face?