Christmas came again – and we are still here, trying our best

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Last Christmas was my worst Christmas ever. Looking back, I cannot believe I went through so, so much. A year later I feel that my biggest accomplishment has been to survive it all, and to get better – even if I am not completely better.

Last night I went to get dinner with my family. It was lovely – I was having fun, laughing. The intrusive thoughts still come and go, but at least I am not afraid all the time anymore. My nervous system is calm – I can sleep, and I can sleep as much as I want to, without having to take any sleeping pills. Isn’t that wonderful?

I judge myself harshly, however. I think – how come I am still not completely healed? How come I still have intrusive thoughts? But then I look at the past days and months, and how I’ve been able to grow and learn and live my life and continue building on good and bad experiences – without terrible fear. It makes me feel so much better.

In April this year, when I went to the Pacific Coast to look for the shark whales, I was quite terrified still. Now I don’t even overthink when I have to travel – even after the traumatic event when lightning hit the airplane in August or September (I do get afraid once the plane starts moving ever since then), but every day life feels more “normal”, so to speak.

My big challenge is that I still have a hard time accepting the good and joyful moments – like I am still waiting for something bad to happen sometimes. I am not physically afraid all the time like before and I cannot remember the last time I had an actual panic attack, but there is this weird feeling when I think about the future, like I cannot really think about it with clarity.

What a f***ing year! I don’t think I have quite reached the point people always say I’m gonna get to where I feel grateful for what happened, for the trauma, but I do want to thank myself for keeping my strength and trying my best every single day in the last year.

I think I can actually have a kind of Merry Christmas!

I’m plateauing…now what?

I started bouldering less than two months ago. There is this term, that can really be applied to any circumstance of life, which is “to plateau”. I remembered it yesterday because it came up in a conversation with someone yesterday; someone who has been bouldering for 8 to 9 years and has, in his own words, plateaued (has stayed in the same level for some time, unable to make progress).

It occurred to me today that that is exactly where I feel in my healing process. For a while, I was slowly, painfully getting better. Now I have reached this weird plateau moment where I am not sure if I am still getting better everyday. My symptoms are still there, but they are just a small nuisance. This week I started taking less Zoloft by myself – first time I attempt to do that. Why? Because I get the feeling that I can’t get much more from the Zoloft, and I really don’t know what the next step is. I think I have literally done everything I could do; or at least everything I know I could do.

Work from Monday to Friday; improvising on the weekends. I have gotten quite used to the intrusive thoughts by now. I just let them be. However, the psychiatrist thinks they shouldn’t be there at all. Him saying that made me feel quite self-conscious. So they shouldn’t be there at all? What if I have managed to almost entirely change my relationship with them? Well, it will probably take some time – some more time for things to really change. This is not how I imagined it happening. I imagined that after hitting rock bottom everything would get better steadily and I would eventually be “better than before”. That is what they tell you, that you’ll be an improved version of yourself – but I think that is a big pressure. And now, now I feel disappointed in myself a bit because I am not that super improved version with a better life. I am still mostly living through others; I do not plan much for the future and other than working and bouldering, I don’t feel energy for a lot of other things. I am quite sure things will change, transform as they already have in the last year, but in this moment I really feel like I am on a huge plateau, without knowing where to turn, what comes next, how long I will be here.

I tried therapy, but that has not really worked. I did one EMDR session and I think it helped in that I can think about what happened with Marko and not feel my PTSD symptoms. But, after that, it felt a bit pointless, like stretching something for too long. So I am not sure I actually want to go to therapy. I mean, I do all the other things: I exercise, I cook, I focus on work, I try to make friends. I think that last part is the biggest challenge of them all; and a part that could potentially really help me grow; move further along in this process.

Looking back, I don’t think this was a Dark Night of the Soul or anything of the sort. I was not returning from Saturn. I just had very intense symptoms from what was an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship that would have been too much for any mortal to manage. Sometimes I say “but it has been over a year now, why am I not over it?”. It has only been a year since I felt I was literally running for my life and stopped being able to even conceive of a future. It’ll take some more time. While I figure out what is next, I will try to breathe and accept the plateau phase.