Last Christmas was my worst Christmas ever. Looking back, I cannot believe I went through so, so much. A year later I feel that my biggest accomplishment has been to survive it all, and to get better – even if I am not completely better.
Last night I went to get dinner with my family. It was lovely – I was having fun, laughing. The intrusive thoughts still come and go, but at least I am not afraid all the time anymore. My nervous system is calm – I can sleep, and I can sleep as much as I want to, without having to take any sleeping pills. Isn’t that wonderful?
I judge myself harshly, however. I think – how come I am still not completely healed? How come I still have intrusive thoughts? But then I look at the past days and months, and how I’ve been able to grow and learn and live my life and continue building on good and bad experiences – without terrible fear. It makes me feel so much better.
In April this year, when I went to the Pacific Coast to look for the shark whales, I was quite terrified still. Now I don’t even overthink when I have to travel – even after the traumatic event when lightning hit the airplane in August or September (I do get afraid once the plane starts moving ever since then), but every day life feels more “normal”, so to speak.
My big challenge is that I still have a hard time accepting the good and joyful moments – like I am still waiting for something bad to happen sometimes. I am not physically afraid all the time like before and I cannot remember the last time I had an actual panic attack, but there is this weird feeling when I think about the future, like I cannot really think about it with clarity.
What a f***ing year! I don’t think I have quite reached the point people always say I’m gonna get to where I feel grateful for what happened, for the trauma, but I do want to thank myself for keeping my strength and trying my best every single day in the last year.
I think I can actually have a kind of Merry Christmas!